Becky, an octopus and a JOB

we all try... some try harder than others some get results from their efforts and some have to be content with their results.

this has been one of those weeks worth documenting so i am obliged.

now, human beings are variable.... some are ritualistic, some are sequencial some are random so are just door mats... i personally categories people in three distinct categories.

1. Adu a guthutha (go Gettas)

this are my kind of peeps... look, aim, fire. these are the kind of people who keep a diary. so this week i decided to place my self in this category. everything was in order my diary was set and i had endless opportunity. let me start from the beginning.

i recently landed myself a job... no big deal peeps get jobs all the time but the greatest part of all this is that i got a job from my CV, (no canvassing involved). you don't know how good a feeling that is. as in someone looked at my well typed and formatted CV and recognized talent. after surprisingly acing the interview even Paul my main octopus hadnt the slightest chance of predicting the future of this you gun.

Reporting day was monday 5th July. being a go getta, i immediately and instinctively adjusted my life and style to the situation. monday 0802 hr found me at the reception to the head office of my employer. say it impressive, for a guy whod just been awakened from a stupper a few hours ago this is impressive.

i had just been punctual to a oppressive affair.. first there was an issue with my insurance as a result of dysfunctional (for lack of a less insultive word) systems ala my employer. i had to run around after my insurance agent in search of a accertation document of my insurance. (this part made absolutly no sence to me and to any human being worth being called human in this age and era). im a go getta, you dont shake my spirits easily... i got all they wanted.

so tuesday im at the office as strapped as silvester stallone going bungie jumping. i was cordially adviced to come to work the next day my contract will be ready... mark you this is after day 2 of waking up at 5am (nktesticles) and embracing some ungodly temperatures and a 4km walk in pursuit of happiness.

so wednesday i step into the office at 0759 hrs looking like the man of the year, ask the receptionist to fix a fellow employee with a cup of tea which she did (God bless you Maggie) and i wait for my first assignment. all of sudden after an hour of employment, i realise that peeps have stopped coming to the office. HR personnel keep popping into the office and leaving without saying a word. so i call my boss and ask her "Ms Becky, marry me".... im playing, i asked becky wolap what can i do for this beautiful christian institution (i lied, yes i said it, i lied that iv been in a relationship with Jesus for 17 years). Come to think of it this, could have been the reason for my downfall.

so becky call me aside and asks me, "did Hr hala at you". no the didnt y? they just called me for the interview.... so apparently i am meant to wait till HR calls me and confirm my contract... i thot this really sucked ass, maybe its just me but i dont think this is how human beings operate.
so i ask becky to go to HR and get my contract and i remove my pen and start perfecting my signature. then now becky anzad ducking, ducking me,

WTH, i pulled one of those jack bauers.. i had to corner her which i did, "becky, becky necky necky wat the hell is going on?" apparently, ok to me it looked like i was putting becky in a fix with HR (i think she liked me, coz she almost broke down into tears)... anyhu thats besides the point. Becky told me to wait for HR to call me and she walked away....

you have heard of Nyikka Moments... that was one of the... kidogo ni transform ito optimus prime warrrrr.... i walked away and went to the bar....

2. Adu a gukunda gikombe (drinkers)
from a go getta to a drinker.... Fcuk employment, Fcuk my former employer(no names mentioned) fcuk all those peeps who think they can jog on my emotions and get away with it....

So i am back on the hustle... basically my hustle involves whisky, football and money... dont ask how but i know how to synergize the three... as we speak, i riding on one of these elements..,. you guessed right, whisky!

now i discovered theze a certain Paul cock blocking my football ambitions... he predicted against England they lost, i joint the SS specifically the Luftwaffe and he predicted our downfall. it came try, i dont know what to make of paul so i will not make anything as for now....

3. Adu a kutherokia Mae(peeps who wa r seats for you)

Now this is the category that keeps me going though the laughter the inflict on me.....

basically as crude as it can get this are the peeps who tell a woman everything and you end up going home if a dictionary of woman... words ako nazo zote... in simpler terms thes peeps boil the water for you to shower.....

classic example, i met a nyikka in a Hoppa.... calm fella he was...

all of a sudden he picks up his phone and starts throwing tuntrums to another nyikka on the other end... kawaida nika eavesdrop nad i realised this nyikka here is being conned silly

HOW TO CON A GUY FOR DUMMIES

1. Take your YU line.
2. load it with 1000 bob airtime
3. send the following SMS to 1000 random YU numbers

"You have won 50000 in the YU ponyoka na maisha promotion. Dial 07-5MY-NU-MBA to get information on how to collect you voucher"

4.someone is bound to call..
5. ask whoever calls to deposit 3000 in his M-PESA account
6. he will call back to confirm deposit.
7.Ask the person to deposit another 3000 to his account...
8. he will call back to confirm deposit
9.Send the following SMS to the Nyikka..

"U87QA718 Imethibitishwa Umepokea ksh50000 kutoka kwa 07-5MY-NU-MBA. Mnamo bla bla bla Baki yako ni 56076"

10. he will call to find out how it goes to MPESA
11. tell the nyikka to deposit 6000 in the YU number an switch off his phone and switch it on again
12. you will be 6000 richer

trust me, this guy was boiling water for 30 minaz and after that so nyikka else where was showering in 6 geeezzzz... Thats wasuuup

this has been a hilarious week for me... iv won some iv lost some but im still the same old same...

hope yall have a better next week!